"The Jerk" from Rags to Riches to Rags...

"My story?" I didn't even like the film but it's appropriate.

I was standing in an inch of greasy, chemical water, a hose stuck in the drain, two plumber's snakes and two empty bottles of drain cleaner as well as a disconected pipe with wretch attched to it. Life was going down the drain, mostly because the water was not.

I'd been told for several weeks now to just hire a plumber. Stubborn as I am I refused. I've unclogged this thing before and have purchased three tools and many odds and ends to fix this problem. Besides, I just paid the bills so it's not like I have cash just sitting around that I can throw at a problem that I know the guy isn't just going to be able to walk in and fix. The clog is more than 25 feet down a curvy pipe under the concrete slab of my basement. As Gary Larson says, "This not be cheap."

So I'm yelling, now at my wife because she came down to tell me to stop. Ten minutes later my best friend calls. He asks me what's up. I let me know... mostly calmly.

What does he do? An hour later he calls back. The bad news: He's subborn and I'm going to accept his generosity. The good news: He wired me money and I have to hire a plumber tomorrow. I don't know, he probably got those two mixed up.

My best friend is a jerk. It makes me want to cry because it's one of those acts of kindness that really shows what it means to be "Christ-like". Maybe it's the whole fish for your taxes thing or something. I don't know. But I also want to go smash things. I want to pick up the hammer I was using on the wrench on the pipe and just smash my laundry room to bits.

It raises an odd question in my mind: If I had handled the problem well (e.g. calmly) what would have happened? Would my friend have stepped in? Am I just such a baby that people feel they have to come in and care for me? Or is this just one more chance for God to smile knowingly at me and say, "See? You should listen to your wife."

But all that is crap. This isn't a cosmic "I told you so" or anything like that. Nope, this is the core of friendship and brotherly love. It's so awesome it brings tears to my eyes. And it's crap. It's total crap. I feel like Steve Martin sitting on the curb dirty and smelly. The movie is just about to end and the family has pulled up to take me home. Even my wife takes me back. And me? I'm still yelling, "I don't need anything. ...except this plunger. You'll see! I don't need anything except this plunger. ...and this hose. I'll show you!"

What a bitterness grace carries. It's the taste of swallowed pride finally flowing out of the clogged heart.

I'll call the plumber in the morning.

~Luke Holzmann

Dropped Frames and Frames of Reference

Returning from a foreign country, or any trip, is rough for me. Of course, going on a trip is hard as well. I don't like traveling and foreign countries don't impress me. The shrubs may be different, the sky more polluted, the streets more smelly, and the language incomprehensible, but it's still earth and I've been to places at least a little like it before. It's all strangely familiar and so I have yet to experience "culture shock". So being there isn't a problem, but preparation is stressful. I don't like turblence. I'm not fond of immunizations or having to avoid drinking water from the tap. I also don't like having to try to clean the house before leaving.

But coming back is much harder. There's a pile of bills, paperwork, and now tax forms to wade through. Also, I have to get back into "working mode" and get on top of everything that needs to get done for my current and future video projects and sorted out on the business end of things. I have to restock the fridge and dropping $200 for food is just painful. Not only that, but the expansion pack came out right before we left, so that's a "priority" I still haven't shelled out the money for. There are things weighing on me so heavily that I start shaking as if I was dropping into hypothermia. In fact, this afternoon I just curled up on my bed for an hour and slept. I just want to give up. It's all too much and totally not worth it. Like so many times before in life I feel far too young and ignorant to be doing any of this or holding so much responsibility. At the same time, I'm far too old to be this completely clueless about how to live life. And coming back after being away just amplifies the urgency of everything I haven't learned or dealt with yet.

Right now I'm "dumping" footage onto my computer. My new, still in beta, hard drive system (I'll provide a link to it once I would no longer be breaking the non-disclosure agreement I signed) can't seem to keep up with the data transfer, or something. So I'm getting lots of "dropped frames" where video starts "melting", pixelating, or becomes jittery. It's really how I feel: Overloaded, unable to keep up, incapable of getting all the information I need. I feel like screaming one moment, "What the crap am I supposed to do!" and the next huddling under the covers, giving up, and letting it all just crumble around me. I mean, seriously, is life worth this? In ten years my 1099 forms and all my reciepts for business expenses will hopefully be recycled and no longer matter at all. I wish I could just do things that did matter.

But like my computer, I have dropped some frames. I lost some frames of reference, and perhaps coming back from India was the catalyst. Over there I got to see all the really awesome, meaningful things that were going on. Coming home my plumbing is backed up and I have a credit card bill that I can't quite pay because the bank was slow in processing my deposits. It makes life here seems so pointless, inane, and forced. It almost makes me want to ship off to a country where you live in a shack you put together out of bits of plywood and chickenwire and you don't have to worry about filing a W2, or 1040, or whatever. There you could, in theory, focus on human interaction and helping others. Granted, that's not the case because there are other pressures such as malaria and finding enough food or potable water. But the thought lingers.

If I take a moment to realign myself with reality I notice that I've missed the truth. Certainly paperwork is lame and not really benefiting anyone, but it is one of the aspects of being who I am and living where I do. The world in which we live is finite and frustrated. There are consequences that we must over come no matter who we are or where we live. I have lost sight of all the tremendous opportunities for great things I have because of my current state. So, while I don't like it and I may end up falling apart again and again, bring it on. I'm here for a reason (hopefully many of them) and these struggles I must live through are eclipsed by surpassing joy awaiting me if I would but keep going.

Now if only I could this hard drive thing to work....

~Luke Holzmann

Cartman, I'm like the French

Growing up I had the hardest time being good at things. More specificially, I had trouble being as good as, say, my little brother at, say, computer games. Even with the age advantage, he would soon top my best scores in everything but the text-based games... and those games didn't even keep high scores.

With such a humilating defeat, I decided that computer games just weren't "for me" and went off in pursuit of other things, like writing. In a nutshell, I did what Cartman accuses the French of doing in "Make Love, Not Warcraft" and "quit playing".

This rather immature response started a thought pattern that eventually led me to a freeing truth: I'm a different person and so I should be good at different things. It's not important that I wasn't a good football player. Why? Not because "football sucks" or anything as juvenile as that, but because I'm a swimmer, not a football player.

I'm sick of hearing about how I'm "special" and "unique" so I shouldn't feel bad that others are better than me in certain areas. That is hardly uplifting. The reason nobody should ever feel bad when comparing themselves to others is due to the simple fact that we should not compare ourselves to others because we aren't them.

The truth is that I am "unique" and therefore "special", but the way it is presented normally is more discouraging than freeing. If you are having trouble feeling good about yourself, you need to stop looking at the things you can't do that others can. You need to "quit playing" if that's what it's going to take. That doesn't mean you can sit on your butt now. No, you have to go out and do your thing. What do you like to do? What do you feel you're good at doing? Do that.

I'm currently in the process of trying to get another children's story published that covers this same idea. I think it's important that kids realize this a whole lot earlier than I did so they can stop getting their faces pushed in the mud, and rather shine in their area of skill.

By the way, I do play World of Warcraft now. And since I know that I'm more of a social player, I don't mind that my wife hit 60 before me. Well, I don't mind too much.

~Luke Holzmann

Yet another Blog...

I seem to be amassing Blogs like... umm... broken appliances (yep, the microwave died last week, that after needing new tires for my car and a toasted Tascam US-122, not to mention the laptop...).

But because I'm trying to get up and write every morning at 6am, I thought having another outlet may help. It will probably just be one more distraction so I don't get anything done, but here's hoping.

This will become the Blog for thoughts, insights, and whatever else. Don't forget that TomySky.blogspot.com is my poetry page.

And if you want the basics of video production, check out Production Now.

That's all for starters.

~Luke Holzmann